I’m awake because of a damn freaky nightmare.
It’s the same nightmare I’ve been having for a bit now. It’s not as bad as it used to be, I don’t wake up crying or throwing up anymore and I think I’m finally ready to talk about it. I haven’t posted anything real personal for awhile and I guess since I can’t sleep I might as well.
I donate plasma regularly for the extra money and for other various unimportant reasons. It’s great where I’m at despite horror stories I’ve heard about other clinics. The people on average are super friendly, process is kept very simple, and I’ve only ever had issues with one of the guys. Or so I thought.
Obviously I still am physically a guy since I can’t even dream to begin transitioning. With how terrifying the USA is as a society, maybe not for a long time. But what makes it extremely hard is that to not be treated differently, in the professional world I have to at least act partially male. What I’m trying to get to, the whole point of this, I have to deal with having a male doctor. If I ask for a female it raises too many questions and I’m scared.
I had to get a physical, again. The last time was so long back and I was so tightly wound that day I barely registered what was going on. But this time since I was comfortable in my environment I was completely focused and for the first time in a long time I felt completely violated. I’ve had a male doctor before, but he was old and he didn’t make me nervous. But this guy who was checking my vitals and whatnot isn’t much older than me and he comes across so creepy to me.
I don’t go to doctors often but when I was young It was always a woman. Now I’m realizing I may have to deal with male doctors for the rest of my life and I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m having horrible dreams that exaggerate the ways he was touching me and I feel sick afterwards. My skin is crawling, I was close to throwing up again and I’m shaking. I’m better now since I’ve started typing and I was reblogging various things, but I don’t know if I can sleep the rest of the night.
Now to clarify, I don’t think he touched me inappropriately in any way. Assuming I’m a male of course. But to me it was like a male doctor having me remove my bra and him feeling up my breasts. That’s what it felt like and it makes me shudder. On top of that he always has this creepy ass smile on his face. I won’t ever have to deal with him again in that aspect because I’m moving soon, and it’s been easier. I didn’t sleep for two days after he touched me, and I was throwing up every night for a few days after that. I haven’t thrown up in awhile now and I’m getting sleep.
The other issue I’m having is I don’t know how to talk about this problem because when I did bring it up to the one person who understands me, I didn’t feel any better afterwards. I felt the same. What’s worse is I had another incident after that with a hacker and my webcam. Talking about it with my girlfriend made me feel a little better, but I’ve never in my life felt so vulnerable and scared of what could happen to me. I’ve always been tough and I don’t know how to handle being weak now. I feel really pathetic, sitting here in bed reading these words and still not finding an answer..
Whenever I get period cramps
I have never seen something so accurate in all my life…
We’ve done it, we’ve reached the pinnacle of human evolution
do you understand what this means?
we’ve invented the fucking replicator
this motherfucker better be able to print an earl gray, hot, i’m just saying
literally me if i get married
WE HAD OUR WHOLE SCIENCE CLASS TALK ABOUT GENETIC MUTATIONS AND WHAT MAKES A SUPER HERO.. THEN JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW LOKI AND THOR ARE GODS NOT REALLY FROM GENETICS AND SUCH AND HOW BATMAN AND IRON MAN ARE JUST RICH…. THEN I RAISED MY HAND LIKE “HAWK EYE AND BLACK WIDOW ARE NOT GENETICALLY MUTATED, RICH OR FROM SPACE!” i blew everyone’s mind <3
IM ON THE PHONE WITH A VITAMIN COMPANY TO FIND OUT WHY THE BOTTLES ARE SO BIG IF THE PILLS ONLY TAKE UP 10% OF THE SPACE INSIDE
IT’S BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO PUT ALL THE INGREDIENTS AND WARNINGS IN BOTH FRENCH AND ENGLISH SO THE BOTTLE HAS TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO SUPPORT A LABEL WITH ALL THAT TEXT
why are you screaming
I’M JUST REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THESE VITAMINS
I think you should stop taking those vitamins
so i just
I am a puppy of the lord.